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A Collection of seasonal art of all mediums and genres, and from artists of all ages and talents from well seasoned experts to beginners.
Author's Comments
full title: The Great Miracle of Happiness- Chapter 1
Okay everyone! I see you've realized that I am, in fact, writing a story. This is something I've never posted before. Like what America was called after the American Revolution, (The American Experiment, if anyone is interested), this is The Great Experiment...which may actally end up being the title, (which, by the way, is still pending). Tell me what you think. I really appreciate feedback.   (c) =erinyx, got it? Comments
 Very cool. I really like the characters already.
 Thank you so much!! I'm glad a bit of their personalities is already showing through!!
-- “Religions die when they are proved to be true. Science is the record of dead religions.” -Oscar Wilde Use punctuation with conviction come have a glimpse inside my mind:: [link]  i like it a lot... the characters are deep and intriguing. can't wait till you post more!
-- "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." -Albus Dumbledore  thanks for commenting, Juli  -- “Religions die when they are proved to be true. Science is the record of dead religions.” -Oscar Wilde Use punctuation with conviction come have a glimpse inside my mind:: [link] hahaha your welcome
 -- "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." -Albus Dumbledore  I liked it very much. You can really feel the dynamics of their relationship when you read it. I like the curiousness of specifying just how tilted the boy's head was, and the last paragraph intrigues me. What did happen?
 -- Someone once said that the thing you're looking for is always in the last place you look, but it's kind of like, go figure! If you found it, why look more? "We shall call it... Destiny!" Teller of nontruths, your pants have just combusted. What did happen indeed... You will find out...someday...
Thanks Na. I'm trying to focus more on the human relationship side of things, as opposed to the actual setting, while very important (and should be treated as a character within itself), not as important as being able to relate to the characters. Taking philosophy and installing it into my characters (even though I have yet to truly call them mine yet) is proving to be both fascinating and challenging. -- “Religions die when they are proved to be true. Science is the record of dead religions.” -Oscar Wilde Use punctuation with conviction come have a glimpse inside my mind:: [link]  This is absolutely fantastic.
It's wonderful to find other writers on dA.  I can't wait for more.-- Whenever ideas fail, men invent words. ~Martin H. Fischer Well thank you very much!!
I'm in the process of writing some more now, so there should be another segment up soon!! -- “Religions die when they are proved to be true. Science is the record of dead religions.” -Oscar Wilde Use punctuation with conviction come have a glimpse inside my mind:: [link] |
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Community News138 400 Warming Christmas And Winter Images*rebeka-anne
 reports, 1d 45m agoA Collection of seasonal art of all mediums and genres, and from artists of all ages and talents from well seasoned experts to beginners. 99 Diversity Feature*nothingbuteverything
 reports, 1d 20h agoArt is so diverse, but we can appreciate it all! Showing the diverse talents of my watchers to the world! 67 wishing you happy holidays...*enemy-89
 reports, 1d 8h agoa wonderful collection-photography,digital and traditional works from my friends,from watchers and from people randomly found on dA.enjoy! 58 It is Christmas in the heart...*6igella
 reports, 14h 18m agoIt is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air. Big photography feature about Christmas, full of wonderful works and wise christmas quotations. Happy holidays to you! 55 Daily Literature Deviations - December 24, 2009=DailyLitDeviations
 reports, 1d 19h agoDaily Literature Deviations is a group that is dedicated to bringing literature to the forefront of the deviantArt community. We attempt to accomplish this by daily featuring Literature artists from around the community that deserve the recognition, but are not getting it. Each day we will feature 5 deviations from the Literature categories in a News Article. In order to support the artists that we feature, we ask that you  the news article as well as check out the individual pieces. We understand that each day you may not be able to check out each and every one of the pieces, everyone has their own things going on. We just ask that you make an attempt to help support the growing Literature community.53 DeviantART loves winter and christmas! FEATURE=PierreDevlin
 reports, 1d 17h agoHave a great time everyone and please fav this article so as many people can see the featured works. I would recommend seeing each one and faving them too. |
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Critiques
"Nowadays, everything we used to know is slowly turning into falsehoods, and the things we thought we forbidden have turned into daily practice.
were forbidden?
"Yeah?" his face was filled with disbelief, and his tone was etched with tones too high for any male over the age of 7, "and what's that this time, eh?"
a) tone is repeated. -twitch- (sorry it's a pet peeve) maybe say his voice was etched with tones?
b) grammatically i think it should be "Yeah?" His face was filled with disbelief, and his tone was etched with tones too high for any male over the age of 7. "And what's that this time, eh?"
c) not to be picky, but maybe write out the word "seven"? i seem to remember learning the rule of thumb that anything under ten is written out, and 11 or higher gets numbers.
There was a the lingering essence of hope and despair about her, all wrapped up into two sentences.
pick an article lol. i suggest using "a".
(he thought to himself 'This must be what Peruvian Instant Darkness Power must have looked like...'
should be (He thought to himself, 'This must be what Peruvian Instant Darkness Power must have looked like...'
The boy shrugged, walking back to the log, his log. No. They weren't going to become territorial (even though they already kind of had).
the part in bold just read a little awkwardly. i'm not sure what to do about it. i kinda want to throw a hyphen in there somewhere. here are my thoughts:
a) ...the log - his log. No, they weren't going...
b) ...the log. His log - no. They weren't going...
c) ... the log. His log. No - they weren't going...
i think i like b best. but as always, it's up to you.
She always did this: slipped something into his drink, got him a little drunk, and then let in a fury.
left in a fury?
He didn't have as much of a problem with her as she had with him. She had gotten much more beautiful as she got older; he was male after all. He did notice these things.
i know what you're trying to say, but it reads funny. like there's a skip from her problem with him to her being beautiful. also, maybe swap the last two lines (He didn't have as much of a problem with her as she had with him. She had gotten much more beautiful as she got older. He did notice these things; he was male after all)
She, after all, had been pulling these littel stunts since the age of nine, following the dire situation that would forever change their relationship; one that involved a thin stick of wood, a well, and some (very) well-placed matches.
little
now that i have ripped this piece apart...
i like what you have here. it sets the ground work for an awesome story. i can already tell that these are dynamic and complex characters, and you make me really want to know their history together. that being said, maybe be a little... gentler with the allusions to their past. there were points where i felt like every other thing i read was like "because of what happened they know this about each other".
i like your casual tone. it flows well overall, and has phrases and figures of speech that make sense and are very... comfortable (i want to say easy to read/hear). there are snippets of humor in the language, like the specificity of his head-tilt angle. (at least i find it funny. but then again, i have an overactive sense of humor
i love how from the very beginning you set out that they are completely different people physically, and as it goes on the personality differences surface. i love how she is described as blue.
i think that's all i can say (and i'm sure you're glad this is over). i look forward to reading more.
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